Ted's Bachelor Party 2032
by Corrupt200
Summary: Ted and Robin are engaged, so Marshall and Barney throw a bachelor party for him...and the hilarity ensues.
1. Chapter 1

Ted's Bachelor Party

AUTHOR'S NOTE: _I'm trying to brainstorm some ideas for funny, goofy, absurd disaster bachelor parties that Barney is capable of planning or screwing up. The only goofy thing that comes to my mind is a bachelor party at Chuck E. Cheese's. So, reviewers, if you have any ideas, please let me know._

Ted's Dining Room, Westchester, Christmas, 2031, 6:34 pm.

The entire gang and their children are seated at Ted's dining table. Ted and Robin are seated together at one end. Lily and Marshall are seated on another end. Luke, Penny, and Barney are seated on one side of the table, while Marvin Jr, Daisy, and Marshall Jr are seated on the other. Only Ellie is not there; she is spending Christmas in Norway with Number 31. On the dining table, we see all sorts of delicious foods ranging from roast chicken to mashed potatoes to salads to pasta , and so forth.

MARSHALL: Mmm, Ted everything is delicious!

TED: Oh, thanks. Actually I couldn't have done it without the help of the kids and Robin.

LILY: The chicken is breathtaking.

TED: It's Tracy's recipe.

BARNEY: And the mashed potatoes are heavenly. Ted, you've really mastered the culinary arts.

LUKE: When Mom died, Dad was helpless in the kitchen, but he got the hang of it over the course of time. Those cooking shows are great. Also, he got the recipes for Mom's cooking from Grandma McConnell.

PENNY: We used to go to restaurants everyday, but when we started gaining weight, Dad realized that he had to cook more at home to maintain his health and ours.

BARNEY: I have been cooking a lot myself too. I don't know what they're putting in Ellie's food in the school cafeteria, and I don't want her to get food poisoning. Also, I want to maintain my slim figure.

DAISY: So, Uncle Barney, where's Ellie?

BARNEY: Norway.

MARSHALL JUNIOR: Oh, our ancestral home!

MARVIN JUNIOR: What's she doing there, Uncle Barney?

BARNEY: Aunt 31 has a distant cousin who lives in Oslo and invited her to spend Christmas there. So Aunt 31 thought it would be a good opportunity to also take Ellie and show her around, since she had never been to Scandinavia before. It is going to be the Christmas of a lifetime for Ellie.

ROBIN: You knew you had to let her go, Barn. That opportunity does not come that often for many kids her age. I remember dreaming of such opportunities when I was 11.

DAISY: And then you accomplished that dream!

ROBIN: And then some, Daisy.

_Barney's smartphone rings_

BARNEY: Call to Barney, turn on visual screen.

Screen on Barney's phone turns on and we see Number 31's face. She looks about 36 years old, with long nut brown hair, blue eyes, and a slender oval face.

NUMBER 31: Hi Barney, Merry Christmas.

BARNEY: Merry Christmas to you too. How's everything over there in the land of the midnight sun?

NUMBER 31: It's beautiful. Ellie is really enjoying herself too, even picking up the language. She misses you over there, though. But thank you very much for letting her come with me.

BARNEY: Despite everything, I want her to be happy.

NUMBER 31: Don't worry, you'll get to see her again.

BARNEY: I know. At least, I'm not alone this Christmas. Ted is letting me stay over at his place for a day or two, so I'm alright.

NUMBER 31: Oh, and Ellie wants to say something to you.

[Ellie's face appears on screen]

ELLIE: Hey, Dad! Merry Christmas! Or as they say here, _God jul!_

BARNEY: And a Merry Christmas to you too sweetheart! I miss you so much here!

ELLIE: I can't wait to see you when I get back to New York.

BARNEY: So are you having a good time in Norway with Mom?

ELLIE: Oh, it's the best! The fjords are so beautiful. And tomorrow, Mom, Aunt Siri, and Uncle Björn are taking me to see Lillehammer!

BARNEY: Ah an Olympic tour. I always felt bad for Tonya. She was the ice-skating queen of 1994, and not that wench Nancy Kerrigan. A tragedy on ice, kind of like _The Karate Kid _with John Lawrence_._

ELLIE: Yep, Willian Zabka _was _the Karate Kid.

ROBIN: You're infusing those twisted ideas into your daughter's head, Barney?

BARNEY: I promised I'd always be honest with her! I'm just telling her the truth.

LUKE: [grabbing phone from Barney] Hey, Ellie! Merry Christmas!

ELLIE: Hi, Luke! [sighs with a big smile, and glaring wide open eyes; smile is so big that we can see braces on her teeth]

LUKE: We all miss you here!

ELLIE: I miss you too, Lukie!

BARNEY: Alright! Enough of that mushy talk! [grabs phone from Luke]

TED: Oh Barney, don't hang up that phone, I wanna talk to her. I'm gonna go grab the tea, and be right back.

Cut scene to kitchen. Ted opens the refrigerator, and to his delight, finds an empty milk carton. He grins as he reaches into his right pocket, pulls out a ring, and drops it in the carton. He takes the carton and "storms" back to the dining room.

TED: ROBIIIN!

ROBIN: What is it, Ted?

TED: This! [hands carton to Robin]

ROBIN: God, 26 years, and you still don't get my philosophy? I leave the empty carton there to remind myself that we need more milk! [shakes the carton and hears the ring hitting against the walls of the carton, kind of like a rock] What is in here? A stone or a marble? [open carton and sees ring; turns carton upside down and allows the ring to land on her left palm. She gasps.] Oh my God! Ted, is it…?

TED: [kneeling down; Barney position his phone so that Ellie can see Ted and Robin] Robin Charles Scherbatsky, Jr., will you be my wife?

ROBIN: [tears running down her cheeks] Yes, Ted! I will marry you! I love you so much. [They hug each other and kiss]

ALL: Aww!

ELLIE: Congratulations Uncle Ted! Congratulations Aunt Robin!

NUMBER 31: Congratulations to you both.

PENNY: Dad, I'm so happy for you! It was time! [runs over to hug Ted and Robin] I'm going have a mom again! But then again, Aunt Robin, you have been a great mother to us, ever since Mom passed away.

ROBIN: Oh, thanks, Penny. That's so sweet.

MARSHALL: Way to go Ted! [turns over to Lily grinning] Pay up!

LILY: Not yet!

Cut to 2 hours later. Lily, Robin, Penny, and Daisy are in the living room watching _Love Actually. _Ted, Marshall, Barney, Luke, Marvin Jr., and Marshall Jr. are in the basement playing billiards.

Living Room.

LILY: Aww, that's so cute when Colin Firth proposes to that woman in broken Portuguese!

ROBIN: I love it when Hugh Grant dances to that Pointers song!

DAISY: I wish our President was like that!

ROBIN: I wish Canada's PM was like Hugh Grant! Penny, what's your favorite part of the movie?

PENNY: I hadn't watched it for a long time. Dad would not let me watch it alone because of the R-rating, and I don't turn 17 until this coming year. Dad himself hadn't watched it since 2024 because of Liam Neeson's character… and Liam in real life.

ROBIN: Well, now, he's got his Claudia Schiffer!

PENNY: [smiling] The Canadian brunette version.

Cut to Basement.

MARSHALL: Ooh! Excellent shot, Junior!

MARSHALL JR.: Thanks, Dad.

TED: He's just like a pro.

BARNEY: You know, Ted? Now that you and Robin are engaged, it's time for the most important event ever…[looks at Marshall Sr.]

BARNEY AND MARSHALL: [smiling in unison] Bachelor party!

TED: [smiling, shaking head, chuckling] I don't know guys.

BARNEY: You never had a bachelor party before you married Tracy. You should have one this time!

MARSHALL: There was always something! Penny being born, then Luke being born, and then after the second proposal, you immediately married on a Thursday that same week! It was never the right time for a bachelor party during that 5 year engagement…great movie by the way.

LUKE: With all due respect to Mom, you really didn't get to savor bachelorhood after she died. You should savor it at least a little bit before you and Aunt Robin tie the knot. Mom would have wanted it.

TED: You're grounded!

Luke chuckles.

MARVIN: Luke is right. Aunt Tracy would have wanted you to savor bachelorhood for at least one day!

TED: You're grounded too!

MARVIN: [rolling eyes] Yeah, whatever!

TED: [sighs] It's a little tougher when they don't live here.

MARSHALL: Come on, Ted. It's not every day that someone gets married for the second time. You're getting a second chance at marriage and romance.

BARNEY: We're going to have a bachelor party. And it's going to be legen…wait for it…

LUKE: …dary?

BARNEY: Legendary!

TED: Okay, you convinced me. But no strippers!

BARNEY: I promise. No strippers. [winks]

TED: I mean it! All three of us have a daughter! You wouldn't like it if Ellie joined that profession!

BARNEY: Okay, no strippers. [winks]

TED: Can you say that without winking?

BARNEY: [raising hand] I promise. No strippers. [winks]

TED: You winked again!

BARNEY: No I didn't! [winks]

TED: [staring at Marshall trying to communicate telepathically] Marshall look at my eyes. I need you to organize this party. For some reason, I do not trust Barney. Do you get what I'm trying to say? Take charge of this party!

MARSHALL: [replying telepathically] Got it dude! I'll keep this bachelor party clean and wholesome.

End of Act 1.


	2. Chapter 2

March 20, 2032. Marshall and Lily's apartment. 1:12 pm.

_Marshall is sitting on the couch, looking at his e-tablet. NB Marshall is bald as we have seen in flashforwards. The doorbell buzzes._

MARSHALL: Television, front door security!

ROBOT SECURITY VOICE: We have Theodore Evelyn Mosby. Date of birth: 4-25-1978. Social Security Number: 297…

MARSHALL: Okay let him up.

5 minutes later. Enter Ted and Luke. Luke has a sullen facial expression.

MARSHALL: Hi, Ted. Hey Luke.

TED: Hi Marsh.

MARSHALL: What's the matter with Luke?

TED: He's angry that I won't let him stay at home alone.

LUKE: Dad! I am too old for a babysitter!

TED: I'm sorry, but 15 is still too young in my book. I can't let you stay in the house all by yourself.

LUKE: Grandma Virginia and Grandpa Alfred told me they used to let you stay home alone when you were my age. Even Grandma and Grandpa McConnell used to let Mom stay home alone when she was my age.

TED: The suburbs were a lot safer in the 1990s than they are now. I'd feel better if you were with someone else who is an adult. Good thing Daisy just turned 18 last month.

LUKE: [sigh] Mom would have fought this!

TED: [smirking] I don't think so, son. [to Marshall] Sorry about Luke's attitude, Marshall. Penny is expecting to leave for college next year, so she want to maximize her quality time with her future stepmom…in case she ends up matriculating somewhere outside the New York City area. So she decided to accompany Robin to her bachelorette party. So I didn't want to leave Luke in the house all by himself.

MARSHALL: Fifteen sucks. You're not old enough for anything and you're not young enough for anything!

LUKE: You got that right, Uncle Marshall.

Enter Daisy. She is a little smaller, having Lily's build. Except she has brown hair like her dad used to have.

DAISY: Hi Dad, hi Uncle Ted, hey Luke!

TED: Hi, Daisy. Thanks for offering to watch Luke tonight.

DAISY: Anytime, Uncle Ted. [to Luke, noting his sullenness] Hey, Luke. I hated being 15 myself too. But hey! In one more year, you're gonna get you driver's license. It's better than waiting three years from your age like Marvin and recently I!

LUKE: That's true, Daisy. Just to let you know, I have nothing against having to stay with you while they're gone. It's just the whole babysitting concept that blows.

DAISY: That's fine. I've got plans, so you'll have a good time.

Luke and Daisy converse inaudibly.

TED: So, Marsh, what's the agenda?

MARSHALL: First of all I hired a limo! Ranjit has retired, but his grandnephew, Dinesh, has taken over the business and he has agreed to be our chauffeur tonight. First, we will spend a few hours at Dave and Buster's, the adult Chuck E. Cheese's. Then we will have dinner at the Russian Tea Room. Hope you are in the mood for caviar tasting!

TED: Mmm. You're going all out.

MARSHALL: It's not every day that a guy becomes a best man for his best friend's wedding for the second time. [pauses] Then I have got the three of us tickets to see _The Book of Mormon_.

TED: A nice musical about the chosen people!

MARSHALL: After the play, we go to the Hoser Hut and sing some tunes.

TED: But we're all American. Will they let us in?

MARSHALL: Barney has Canadian ancestry!

TED: Oh yeah! That's right! [laughs] Speaking of Canada, have you and the family gotten your tickets and updated your passports?

MARSHALL: Yep, all set! A little wary about the sasquatch, but I won't let that get in the way of my best friend's wedding.

_Doorbell buzzes again._

MARSHALL: Television, front door security!

ROBOT SECURITY VOICE: At front door is Barnabus Julius Stinson, Date of Birth: May 9, 1976. Social Security Number: 086…

MARSHALL: Okay, let him up.

_5 minutes later. Enter Barney and Ellie._

ELLIE: Dad! I don't want a baby sitter!

BARNEY: Too bad! Mom is too sick to watch you and I can't let you stay at home by yourself! You're only 12 years old! What if you fall and break your leg?

ELLIE: I won't walk!

BARNEY: What if you get food poisoning?

ELLIE: I won't eat!

MARSHALL: The day the kids didn't want to be babysat! You're having problems too Barney?

BARNEY: Tell me about it. Number 31 has the flu, so she can't keep Ellie this weekend. And we agreed we didn't want to get Ellie sick either. I hope Daisy doesn't mind watching her too.

DAISY: No problem, Uncle Barn.

ELLIE: [seeing Luke] You know what, Dad? I'm sorry. I think I'll have a good time staying here with Daisy.

LUKE: [seeing Ellie] I'm sorry too, Dad. I'll be fine here with Daisy! You three go and have a good time.

TED: Thanks, son.

BARNEY: Hey Daisy, make sure Luke keeps his dirty hands off my daughter.

DAISY: [laughing] Sure Uncle Barney!

BARNEY: So guys! What's the agenda?

MARSHALL: Well the limo should be arriving soon. First stop Dave and Buster's. Then Russian Tea Room. Afterwards, we go watch _The Book of Mormon. _After the musical, we cap it all off with some karaoke at the Hoser Hut.

BARNEY: [sarcastically] Aww, what clean wholesome fun! Though _The Book of Mormon _is hilarious and profanity-laden. Wait a minute-the Hoser Hut? How will we get in? We're American!

MARSHALL: With your Canadian ancestry we'll have no problem getting in!

BARNEY: I am NOTHING like our neighbors to the north! I don't put the British monarch on my money! I say "SAW-ree", not "SOH-ree". I hate hockey!

TED: So have you gotten your and Ellie's passports updated?

BARNEY: Yep!

TED: What about your Canadian passports?

BARNEY: I _refuse _to claim Canadian citizenship! I am going to your wedding with a US passport! So is my little girl! USA! USA!

MARSHALL: You could have an easier time at the passport control and customs in Vancouver Airport!

BARNEY: I don't care! The party hasn't started yet, and you've already ruined it!

MARSHALL: [_looking outside window_] Oh, our limo has arrived! We better get going. Bye kids. Take care!

DAISY: Have a good time, guys!

BARNEY: Most likely not…bachelor party, my ass!

MARSHALL: Dude! Language! Our kids can hear you!

_Exit Marshall, Barney, and Ted._

DAISY: [to Luke and Ellie] Okay, guys. Little Marshall is staying over at a friend's place this weekend, so he lent us his video games for you guys to play. I will order some pizza or Chinese food for us later tonight. I saved a lot of money from my summer jobs at Dad's courthouse. If you guys behave (just kidding, you guys are cool), I have got us tickets to see the _Summer of '69 _ musical at Times Square tonight!

ELLIE: The musical with the songs of Bryan Adams? Legendary!

LUKE: That's Aunt Robin's favorite musical! We're gonna have a great time tonight!

ELLIE: Sorry about earlier, Daisy!

DAISY: It's all good. I was 12 once too!

ELLIE: Yeah, but you're not an only child. Mom and Dad get so overprotective of me to the point where they don't know when to quit.

_Cut scene to front sidewalk. A stretch limo is parked out front. Standing in front of the right passenger door is a chauffeur of subcontinent descent. It is Dinesh in a chauffeur uniform._

DINESH: [Shaking Marshall's hand, he speaks with a US accent since he grew up in the US] Hi, Mr. Eriksen? I'm Dinesh Singh, Ranjit's grandnephew. Uncle told me to take good care of you guys.

MARSHALL: Thank you Dinesh. I'd like you to meet my friends, Barney…

BARNEY: [shaking Dinesh's hand] How do you do?

MARSHALL: …and the groom-to-be, Ted.

TED: [shaking Dinesh's hand] Nice to meet you! Tell your great uncle we said hi!

DINESH: [opening door] Guys, go make yourselves comfortable.

The guys enter limousine.

BARNEY: [entering limo] Okay Marshall, you won…

_When they enter limo, they see a stripper who looks so much like Tracy. (Visualize Cristin Milioti in stripper garb.) Marshall's and Ted's jaw drop. Barney is seated with a giant smile. Ted and Marshall see the stripper's resemblance to Tracy, Barney appears oblivious. _

BARNEY: You one sad, pathetic loser!

MARSHALL: Déjà Vu?

BARNEY: Guys, this is Angel!

TED: [still in shock] Angel is right!

End of Act 2.


	3. Chapter 3

In the Limo.

_Barney, Marshall, and Ted have entered the stretch limo. In the limo is seated a stripper who looks so much like Tracy. _

BARNEY: Fellows, have you met Angel?

TED: "Angel" is right!

MARSHALL: Barney, do you notice anything _unusual _aboutthis stripper you hired beyond our objections about even having one?

BARNEY: Umm, her canines stick out a little more than the average person?

MARSHALL: Ted, you try.

TED: Barney, doesn't this woman remind you of someone we know…more accurately someone we _used _to know?

BARNEY: Hmm…let me see…yeah you're right!

TED: [sigh] Thank god!

BARNEY: [to Angel] Yeah, you look a little bit like Alyssa Milano. Are you of Italian ancestry?

ANGEL: Good eye! Actually my mom is Italian, but my dad is Irish.

BARNEY: Ah, I can see some of those Celtic features!

TED: [to Marshall] What the hell?

MARSHALL: [to Ted] Doesn't he realize that she looks like your late wife?

TED: For God's sake! Imagine her holding a yellow umbrella, and you can see Tracy all over again! [takes out cell phone and photographs Angel]

Angel sticks her left thigh between Barney's legs and rubs her thigh against his crotch.

ANGEL: [seductively to Barney] So, is the groom ready to have some fun?

BARNEY: Actually, I'm not the groom! He is! [pointing to Ted]

ANGEL: Oh! [seductively placing her right index finger on her lips]

_Angel crawls toward Ted like a prowling cat. She spreads open his legs and rubs the top her head against his groin making it all hard. Ted entire body trembles and clenches his teeth and breaks into a sweat. _

TED: [thinking to himself] Okay Ted. She looks like Tracy, but she is not Tracy! Go call her and confirm…oh yeah, that's right! She's at Westchester Cemetery! You must resist the temptation! IT MUST BE FOUGHT! IT MUST BE FOUGHT! IT MUST BE FOUGHT! TED! ROBIN WILL CANCEL THE WEDDING! DON'T THROW AWAY YOU SECOND CHANCE AT LOVE AND ROMANCE. [Ted's nom de plume softens]

ANGEL: What's the matter? Pooh bear don't want a dance.

TED: Sorry, ma'am! I love my fiancée. I've loved her since she was 25!

ANGEL: That's too bad! We were gonna have so much fun!

_Angel crawls over to Marshall. She grinds her butt against Marshall's lap and rubs her palms against Marshall's bald._

ANGEL: [still seductive tone] I love you bald head! I want to rub it and lick it for good luck! [rubs Marshall's head and licks it]

Cut to Marshall's imagination.

_Marshall starts imagining Lily getting diagnosed with an imaginary fatal disease. He then imagines her on her deathbed. He spares no expense for her care._ _Then Lily dies. Marshall sets up the Lily Aldrin Foundation, and is very close to finding a cure. An appropriate number of years later he sees "Stripper Tracy", aka Angel. But the fantasy does not have its happy ending…he suddenly flashes back to Westchester Cemetery watching a crying Ted lower Tracy's casket. He realizes that his dead wife fantasy became his best friend's reality. He is turned off._

MARSHALL: Sorry, I love my wife! I've loved her since we were 18!

ANGEL: Too bad! [thinking to herself] What a pair of prudes! [approaches Barney] So, best man, you wanna have some fun?

TED: Umm, he's not my best man!

BARNEY: Yes I am!

TED: No, you're not! Marshall is!

BARNEY: I'm your best man! Angel, take it away! Go all dirty on me! Oh, guys let me sync my phone with the limo TV, so that you can watch some porn…wait for it…ogrpahy.

MARSHALL: I didn't need to wait for that.

_The limo TV turns on to a classic porn movie: Lance Hardwood, Archtect. Starring Ted Mosby._

TED: Great! The memories of our old apartment I'd like to forget!

MARSHALL: Me too. Are there any barf bags in this limo?

TED: Barney, I'd have preferred to watch _Space Teens_! At least my fiancée is in it.

BARNEY: That's not porn! That's educational crap about math and friendships. And besides, I hadn't kept that video since the divorce! Enjoy your namesake porn star's movie.

TED: I think I need a barf bag too. [he sees Angels kissing Barney's clothed crotch then grind her ass against his crotch]

_Ted opens window, stick head out window and throws up._

MARSHALL: [grumbling] Some people have no shame!

_35 minutes later, the limo arrives at Dave and Buster's. _

End of Act 3


End file.
